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Satellite Direct 

I Like My Bear 

Roasted On A Spicket.

 

By TOM

December 12th, 2010

The game started off unpredictably with the Pats flying up and down the field seemingly at will. This team is the most mentally tough team in the NFL right now, and each week makes it look more and more like that will be enough to win it all. I thought the Pats would have Monday Night-lag and the first half would be a punt-fest. The snow, the wind, and the cold made this game cloudy and tough to figure. I think I was more surprised by this undressing than I was with last weeks undressing of the Jets. This was a game that the Pats had to be mentally tough to grind out, and instead they exploded out the grinding doldrums of a long season and proved they are the most mentally tough team in the League. That is BB’s influence. Each week when I think it is impossible to be more impressed with his coaching he takes it to another level. He is the one and only choice for coach of the year this year.

He took a rag tag bunch of young players and turned them into the most mentally tough players in the NFL. His defense has three player who have more than three years of experience in the League. That’s three! Wilfork, Warren , and TB-C. He formed this team into a group that went 118 minutes without giving up a Touchdown in the most important stretch of the season! After giving up 400 yards a game passing in the first half of the season, and were giving up an average of 24.2 points per game in the first 10 games. Oh yeah, and just for fun he completely retooled the offense along the way. Playing without Mankins for most of the season. Losing Ty Warren and Leigh Bodden in preseason. Oh, and don’t forget they started off the season with two talented first round picks as their top to Running backs. Oops! One was traded, and the other was injured, and they were forced to start undrafted BenJarvus Green-Ellis at RB. Oops! Kevin Faulk is out for the season, and Pro Bowl kicker Steven Gostkowski as well. So they pick up another undrafted free-agent. Some little guy form some tiny college I’m proud to say I never heard of, and because of the loss of their top three Running backs he is forced into the lineup in his first week on the Pats roster! How does he not stink? Instead, he develops into the most amazing player in the NFL. Oh yeah, and just for shits and giggles the Pats trade their All-World Wide Receiver Randy Moss, who was easily the best Wide Receiver I ever saw play in 2007. And the offense falls apart. On no wait, they trade for old broken down Neon Deon Branch, who according the ESPN super-genius Chris Carter stinks. They start Undrafted free agent BJG-E, throw the Amazing Woodhead into Kevin Faulk pivotal 3rd down back role, push Branch’s wheelchair out onto the field, and oh yeah, stick Logan Mankins back into the starting lineup after he hadn’t seen a football field for almost a year. That is the makings of a Championship offense? Damn skippy it is! I said it last week and I’ll say it again, if you don’t think BB is the undisputed Coach Of The Year, then you are a full of shit idiot!

The Pats came out and go three and out. Punt. The Bears, well Punt. Pats come out in the Shotgun at the third Grassline, looking to overcome Monday Night-Lag, Mother Nature, and the Bears. Armed only with Brady and a 9-0 record in the snow. How easy was this drive to predict? Boom! A bullet to Welker, who almost reaches the fifth-grass line for a first down. BJG-E goes right up the middle for 12 and reaches the 7th-Grassline. Two incompletions made everybody feel a punt coming on. However, Brady throws to Welker who falls over the 10-Grassline and into Bears territory. BJG-E takes the ball over the Bears 9th-Grassline. Woodhead tries to disappear at the LOS, but he is swarmed over by a bunch of angry Bears to make it 3rd and 12. He throws to Branch who had rolled his wheelchair through the snow and was wide open just past the Bears 6th-Grassline. A Wes Welker catch which was a bullet by Brady, and he runs down to the 2nd–Grassline. Woodhead runs a Power Dive to the 1 1/2 Grassline. A terrifying incompletion made it 3rd and goal, and Brady riffled a bullet to Gronkowski in the snow, and he scooped it up for another TD reception. 7-Zip Pats.

The Bears come out just past the 4th-Grassline, and throw again to Greg Olsen for a few yards. Matt Forte bumbles awkwardly around the left side for a Holding Penalty to make it 2nd and 14. Cutler is pancaked by big Gerald Warren, who leaped on top of him as he smashes into the snow to make it 3rd and 18. However, Cutler throws a beautiful bullet to Johnny Knox for a surprising 1st down at the 6th-Grassline. Cutler then scrambles into a Wilfork bearhug and falls onto his butt at the 5th-Grassline. Forte makes a nice run over the 4th-Grassline for a tough first down in a gust of blizzard. Forte runs for a freezing two yards. On 2nd and 5 he runs across the 3rd-Grass line. However, McCourty steps into the passing lane and knocks down what could have been a big play for the struggling Bears. Punt.

The Pats come out just a sliver past the 2nd-Grassline. Welker catches a pass and somehow stumbles to the Bears 5th-Grass. BJG-E burst though the line looking like he was going to have his best game as a pro as he powers toughly over the 7th Grassline. BJG_E gets slammed behind the LOS, but somehow powers forward for a yard. Brady throws the ball over Woodhead’s head, and it reappears in Branches hands for a nice 9-yard reception. A Morris dive right into the Bears gut brings the Pats inside the 10th-grassline. Peppers knocks down a pass. But Brady comes out in the Shotgun and Play actions to Woodhead who is flying to the left side of the field, and whips the ball to Welker on the right side, and it looked like their were more Pats blockers than Bears in the way. Welker just burst up field and into Bears territory like he was shot from a cannon, and ends up all the way past the Bears 7th Grassline. BJG-E goes for 9-yards and falls just short of the 1st down. Then the Amazing Woodhead cuts spins and bounces off Bears like a spinning top on Ritalin (sorry Brandon), and falls into the Redzone just past the Bears 4th grassline. BJG-E Scampers around brain Urlacher and flies past the 2nd grass line to make it 1st and goal. Then Woodhead Smashes into Mankins butt and is stopped cold, but he somehow levitates off the snow and floats ever so softly into the Endzone for an Amazing TD. 14-Zip Pats. References to Butts-2.

I’m Stunned. The announcers sound stunned, and the Bears look stunned. Cutler throws the ball out to Knox, who is tackled by the ball. Rising star Devon McCourty grabs the ball and drags him down. As Knox falls, his butt lands right on top of McCourty’s foot, and looks like he gave McCourty the dreaded high ankle sprain. However, McCourty garnering vengeance rips the ball out of Knox’s hands as he jams McCourty’s foot into the turf. The super athletic Gary Guyton scoops up the ball, and there is no way any big bad Bear is going to catch him before he reaches the Endzone. 21-Zip Pats, Big-Play-Pat’s D Turnovers-1. References to Butts-2.

The Pats D comes out. Ninkovich sets the edge beautifully against Brandon Manumalenuna, and slips off his block as Forte tries to reach the edge, and shoestrings him down into the snow. That is what I am talking about when I talk about setting the edge, 2nd and 11. A Holding call and a dropped screen pass, showed that the Bears are as stunned as I was! And that resistance was futile. Cutler came out on 3 rd and 21, and Knox dropped the ball. The idea that the game was over already was creeping into my Psyche as Julian Edelman had a 42-yard return.

The Pats came out with three Tight ends somewhere in the middle of that god awful field, and god only know where, LOL. And BJG-E punched the stunned Bears right in the face three straight times for a 1st down, and he barely slides across the Bears 4th-Grassline and into the Redzone again. But a bad throw by Brady made it 2nd and 10. Then the Amazing Woodhead powered past Briggs, and he levitated the poor Briggs right off the ground and spun him around in the air as he laughed past him for 3 Amazing yards. Brady slips the ball the Woodhead, but he can’t disappear in a sea of Bears and the Pats have to kick the field goal. 24-Zip Pats.

Okay, now it’s time for the Pats D to say Screw Brady and the offense look at me. Some-guy-named-Moore Pulled a nice Power-Rip and dragged Roberto Garza right to Cutler. Cutler took off and slipped past Mayo, but some-guy-named-Moore finally Ripped past Garza and dived at Cutler. As Cutler fell on his butt, some-guy-named-Moore punched the ball with his right hand causing a fumble. The Ball sat on the snow for the slightest of seconds as Mayo leaped onto the ball at the Bears 1 and a half Grassline for another Big-Play-Pat’s D Turnover.  21-Zip Pats, BPPDTO-2, references to Butts-4.

Woodhead tries to saw the Bear D-Line in half, but is swarmed over like a bear stealing honey. Welker drops another early pass, which he is wont to do, to make it 3rd and goal. The Bears blitz and cause a too early throw by Brady who whips it into the snow. 27-Zip Pats. BPPDTO-2, references to Butts-4

Call me an arrogant jerk, but that was game-set-match. Okay back to reality (I think?), because Some-guy-named-Moore burst through the line unblocked to slam Forte unto his butt for a 5-yard loss., and the only negative in existence was the McCourty didn’t seem to be on the field, and I swear he got the dreaded high ankle sprain from Knox’s butt (while editing this silly story it has been reported that he has a rib injury). Forte made a tough catch for 6-yard, but then dropped the ball on 3rd 9 at the two minute warning. Edelman had a great return for a TD, but an unfortunate Holding penalty brought it all the way back to inside the 4th-Grassline for a 81-yard penalty. BJG-E takes another beating as he hops over the 4th-Grassline. Branch catches a quick pass and scampers over the 8th Grassline. Brady pump fakes and throws the ball to Urlacher, who drops it, for another Big Bears TO, LOL. Woodhead Draws two yards out of his hat to make it 3rd and 8. As I’m watching the clock click down to under 7 seconds I pull a Madden. Come on, admit it, you did it too. I was yelling for Brady to let the clock run out as he snapped the ball and somehow someway throw the ball to Branch, who somehow someway was uncovered 24-yards down field, and Major Wright somehow someway didn’t drop deep into his proper Tampa-Two position protecting the deep left side of the field, and Branch somehow someway ran another 35-yards for an impossible 59-yard TD pass with no time left on the clock. BPPTO-3, references to Butts-4, Pats 33, Bears-irrelevant.

A bunch of crap happened in the 2nd half, but who really cares. This Bears were on the spicket and roasted by halftime. Besides I was at my Bestman’s birthday/Patriots party, and by then the beer was flowing, the chaos was rumbling, and the wild rumpus had started. I was too busy cracking jokes and enjoying the merriment to give a crap about more beatings on the defenseless Bears. Game-Set-Match. Pats-whatever, Bears irrelevant.  

If you have any questions or comments feel free to email me:

patsfanmock12@yahoo.com

 

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